I've been really bad to myself over the past two months or so. Stress and anxiety are not good foundation for a healthy living. I witnessed a come back of depressive moods, which I was able to keep at bay for a long time. Now I finally now where I am going, which is back home, to Poland. The stress is not over - I have to suddenly wrap up all my life here, sell or ship all my possessions, deal with whatever has to be done. But I know where I am going. Now I have to pull myself together and get back on track. I am actually looking forward to take care for my mom, cook for her better foods so she could drop the grains. I need to cook for myself as well, as eating franks, some ready meat mixed with fruit and chocolate is not really the way to go. Oh well.
I haven't been also exercising in a very long time... Now I will have some "lift heavy things" workout ready - in a few minutes I am going to bring a few boxes with books from my work. Then there will be more boxes and my favorite VT-gym: clearing field from wood, brush, branches. That's a real workout!

I am sick.

I think it's strep, but because it's weekend I am the only one to judge. It is quite interesting that admitting to catching a cold or other infection seems to be a blasphemy in the Paleo world. You are not supposed to get sick on Paleo! But well, I am now. Yesterday I was truly miserable with temperature spiking at 102*, and I can't remember when was the last time I had such a high fever.

So even though I do not consider succumbing to bacteria as blasphemy against the Paleo god, I do wonder why my immune system cracked. And I blame stress and anxiety. We know how devastating cortisol is to our bodies, so I think I can throw my misery at this villain as well. I've been looking for a job for the past two months, being anxious, worrying and nervous all the time. I slowly get depressed and in the "whatever" mood. I feel like the great achievements of the past two years in fighting severe anxiety and depression are in danger. Chronic stress is devastating. Not knowing about the future is terrifying. I can't schedule my annual check up, because they don't allow one in less than 12 months since the last one. (Don't get me started on the idiotic health care system in the US.) I am losing my insurance in the end of June and can't afford buying one. it sucks.

oh, and I want to get the kid who spread these vicious bacteria to me ;-)

dealing with stress

Just a couple days ago I found out that my contract will not be renewed for the new year. The blow was hard, I was completely sure the job is secure. I am learning to deal with my severe anxiety every day and have done amazing progress over the past two years. But when something so hard hits, it's very difficult to stay calm. I was "grieving" the first day, crying and being very depressed. I was exhausted and went to sleep pretty early. The next day I was much better, looking forward to the new challenges and researching new job opportunities. But the heavy headache, squeezing my temples and punching my forehead inside, didn't let me forget how anxious and terrified I am. I am not doing well with the process of changes. The decisions, planning, details, "what ifs", calling, job interviews... organizing moving (why have I accumulated so much stuff???), paying for all of it... all of that is really scary. I know I will do fine once I move - I won't be missing my old place, I will be all directed forward, no part of me left behind. That's who I am. But the upcoming months will be very stressful.
I hope that after couple weeks I get better, calmer, as I dont' even want to think about living for months with that heaviness, dizziness and migraine-like headaches. I am planning on taking proper care of myself, eat well and sleep more than usual.

I reintroduced cream today to see how I react to dairy after about three weeks of none. I hope ok, as I really want cream in my coffee, it's an easy way to add good fat.
In other interesting stuff, I had a great conversation about evolutionary eating with my senior class. It made a lot of sense to them, and because they were boys (mostly) they were very interested in the idea of a woman eating so much meat and not being afraid of fat. I wonder where it takes them :) I also found out today that one of my colleagues is taking statins... so said, he's younger than me. I know that he is trying to eat well, but of course it means CW "well". I know also that I won't help him - he is a science teacher so he thinks he knows it all in terms of human body, he was patronizing smirking at me when I tried to explain why "calories in calories out" theory doesn't make sense. Lost case, I am afraid... :(